I'd go from "I want to forgive, let go, and heal. I want to genuinely see people for who they are not for what mistakes they've made. We're all just learning" to "No, f*uck that b*tch. He/She doesn't deserve my friendship / love. They did me so wrong so I'm going to do them wrong, too!" .. But, that's just my bruised ego talking.
August 2019 has been a good month of self analyzing.
What did I want to do with myself?
Who did I want to become?
How am I aligned with my higher self? Am I even aligned with her?
I didn't really take 'getting to know thyself' so seriously until this year and after having a huge/long funk of "Eh, i'll put it off tomorrow" over and over again, I actually began to put it off for almost... months --- which eventually started this cycle of "Okay, I wanna treat myself good today!" but then I'd forget to eat a salad rather than a burger and next thing you know, I stayed in bed all day then get mad at myself for not getting some sun or working out.
But then August 2019 came and my sister in law really put things into perspective again.
"You have to really know what you want and do whatever you can to align yourself / get it".
I asked her for advice and what she does weekly, how she aligns herself, and how she keeps her momentum going.
One piece of advice that I will never forget: "I have a good vision for myself. I stick with what I want and I say no to anything that fucks with my schedule / goals." or something along the lines of that (I have it written down in my journal somewhere, but anyway.... you get the point).
The thing is... with me, I have a HARD time saying no.
I admit it: I have FOMO. I hate being home knowing that my friends and girlfriend are out without me, and I hate looking on Instagram knowing that I could've been where everyone else is at but I chose to stay in.
However, after talking with my sister in law, I realized that me doing these things prevent me from doing the things that actually make me happy (long term) such as: waking up at 8am and going to the gym, eating healthy (since I always eat out when I'm with people), sleeping early, meditating, journaling, being with family for a bit, tidying up my room, being a homebody, reading, etc.
FOMO really fucked me over for a while, if I'm being honest.
Anyways,
I've always looked up to my sister in law and I really needed to hear that.
She wants me to do well in life and I do too -- not saying that going out all the time isn't the move (because for some people it is and it's what keeps them going) but for me personally, I get super exhausted.
I'm the type of woman who really wants 1 on 1 time if I'm trying to "bond" with someone (relationship or friendship),
I like to go on hikes with friends,
I like to go shooting or on long drives for an adventure,
I like to join healing events and be with my soul sisters /tribe,
I like to talk about life while being outside in nature with my friends,
etc etc etc.
And after having that whole talk with my sister in law, I want NOTHING TO DO with anything that fucks with the current wavelength/ energy / momentum I'm on.
In other words: meet me at a soul level and then we can talk.
Don't get me wrong, I love going out too and I'm not trying to shit on anyone who does but just not all the time and it's actually nice to go out and party after not doing it a while vs. after doing it the week before.
I'm on a little ramble but point blank, I have this vision for myself and I don't want to lose it. My soul is reaching out to me A LOT this August and I think she's lowkey trying to tell me to settle down and handle my shit before my shit handles me, someday in some way.
I want to be better.
I want to do better.
I want to forgive all of those who have hurt me for ME. Not for anyone else, but ME.
There's a lot of people who don't like me but at the same time, they don't really KNOW me for who I am TODAY.
18-22 year old Niella got NOTHING on the woman that I have become today and I say that so confidently.
I mean this in the most humblest way but.... I'm the shit.
I have so so so so so much love to give, so much soul to feel, so much empathy and care.
For a while I was bitter towards past hurts and people but if anything, i'm stronger because of it.
Everyday I have a choice to make:
get up and work towards my goals OR complain about why I didn't show up for myself again.
From here on out,
I choose me and my vision.
Anything that fucks with it can and will be dropped.